|
Some people call me Hollywood...
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| Music Man |
[May. 7th, 2006|01:56 am] |
I remember every inch of you
Like Royalty.
But it was you
It has always been you
It will always be you
I still feel your name on my lips
Among other places.
Your skin.
Perfection that stretched over your bones and your blood from your head to your toes
God you’re beautiful.
I’ll never forget a single centimeter of you.
I can still recall every breath you ever took back there in front of me
I cant believe........ everything.
I cant believe
Just how naive
I’ve been.
I close my eyes and I see you once again
Lying in our borrowed bed
And your gorgeous marble skin
Hugging your every muscle
I watched you in awe every night I had you to myself.
I missed you when you so much as turned your bottomless eyes in the other direction.
Your voice grabs me even now
As I struggle to keep the memories from becoming scar tissue.
FUCK!
WHAT KIND OF SICKOPHANT LETS YOU GO?!
I yearn for the way your cashmere touch would pull me down to you
Like an arrant Westminster dog preparing for show.
Your side of the bed was always significantly warmer
And so were you
In many ways.
I know I’ll never find you again.
I still feel you if I squeeze my own arms around me tight enough
You were my pride.
And you granted it to me too.
You showed me
How.
Why.
Anything.
Everything.
Myself.
I would stand there in front of you now if I could get close enough without trembling
But I couldn’t
Not even if given the chance.
I laid beside you every night I could
And Every night has turned into tiny diamonds in my mind
Sparkling like your sea-black eyes when they’d graze over me
And you parted your perfect lips to make the smile that stopped my rapidly halting heart
And I would fall into you.
I remember everything.
I love you.
Oh God.
I do.
It’s incredible
I cannot believe I still love you, even after all this.
Music Man, I’d give anything to come home to you. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2006|02:57 am] |
Please dont strike this out, no erasing
Please dont race the clouds, no more racing
No one here is chasing you
Where the fuck are you fleeing to?
Whats the matter baby, is there not enough focus on you?
Not enough attention being paid
To you and your place on your deadening throne
Blackened and rotting and entirely adorned
With the sickening presence of your Sin City whores
Those putrid, pathetic, pariahs of yours
They’ll help you to exact your revenge,
Lose a lover, kill a friend,
Just to stain another meaningless name to your bed.
One more trophy to be lost amongst the sickness in your head
And just one more vapid soul who’ll never find your heart
But will spin and twirl at your command
In your ballet of sick twisted dark.
My body is anchored down to the floor
You are the wretching pushing this nausea forward
You’ve become the game you play, this doomed depraved and vile little trick
Your eyes once incited such fire in me, but a gaze from them now makes me sick
I have followed you deeper
My Diamond..... My Demon,
I’ve been thrown between each circle in your cold and callous hell
Got brutal lashings from the continuance of your laughter as I fell
I followed and watched as my strained and swollen heart
Shriveled up and died in the heat of your abandon
I still see you as a silhouette and you haunt me like a phantom
Me eyes and I are now emblazoned
With the knowledge and the notion
Of the truest muttered phrase a withered heart has ever spoken.....
“Lovers Are Liars”
Of the most disgusting breed
I once loved you madly
You fucking loved me through your teeth. |
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| ESCAPE ROUTE |
[May. 6th, 2006|02:55 am] |
Displaying this weakness, reeling in this sickness,
It's a scene meant only for your eyes.
You: the temptation, I just want you to notice,
Pay attention to my disguise; please pay your attention to my grand disguise.
You were the brightest of colors & most awakening of alarms,
You were the only one in the room.
But you dreamt of another while I laid in your arms,
I had the lonely shine of the moon.
The ghost of an obsession, lost cities of your past,
Houses of confessions, a fantasy that didn't last,
But the mark it made, that stayed.
Your head had my shoulder, you had my warmth in the winter,
I guess what it meant to me was far more than it should.
I watched you grow colder, watched you float away like a feather,
Watched and learned eventually that I just misunderstood.
My tongue painted your body, too many to commit to memory,
Every meaningless mistake, except for mine,
Lungs once filled now empty, never been so bitter and filthy,
You were so lucky to escape for a time.
But you fell back into the iridescent haze this time. |
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| WRAPPED AROUND YOUR FINGERS |
[May. 6th, 2006|02:49 am] |
WRAPPED AROUND YOUR FINGERS
I knew that I was wrong as I let myself take you in
But this is not suffice to say I won’t do it again
I know I don’t get stronger than this
When in the presence of your eyes
I am simply weak of will
I tell myself I won’t give in
I know damn well I will
I have never really been one to resist you well, now have I?!
Although I may give in to you
I still have not forgiven you
I won’t hear your apologies at all
But then you turn to kiss me
And as is my cursed design
I let your kiss become the wings from which I’ll fall
The wings will fail and the heart will break exactly as before
But the memories and markings
They don’t fade out
It is still you that lights my way
I don’t know if you heard the screams
But a war was waged inside me when you touched your skin to mine
Safe and warm, soft and calming, you taste and smell and feel like I remember
And I’m engaged in epic battle with my insides
When you know that’s simply truth reversed
To make me seem as though I’m strong
But the reality is: I’m shaking inside
Silently screaming for you to press your lips to mine
Every beautiful thing I remember colliding with everything I never said
You know I’d give my every last tomorrow to love you in perpetual yesterday
Swallowing my tears, I can feel their salty sting spread through my chest
I doubt you heard the plea slip out from under my breath
But there I was, bartering with God, praying this time your arms don’t let go
I remember all too well the way the rest of you did so
And when you touch me now I wonder,
Can you feel the blood still dripping from the ceaseless wounds you gave?
You served me the scars that never fully heal
If you still loved me, well… that’s the only fathomable suture
With each tie I sever, you bind me some other way
How can I expect to ever leave?
How can I expect to want to go?
I never did, I doubt I ever will
And its just the same as I had always told you,
“You are the only thing that’s ever felt like home”
But I have been evicted
You know…
I cut off all my hair because I missed the way you wrapped it ‘round your fingers. |
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| EVER-HAUNTING |
[May. 6th, 2006|02:48 am] |
EVER-HAUNTING
I’ll blow out the candles Darling,
No need for light when you’re gone
This has become the only way I know.
I’ll throw out the candles, you’re not coming home
And this valley of ashes that lies between our hearts
Is where I’ll bury the corpse of our love.
But it wasn’t my intention
To leave with silence as the last word we spoke
Your memory fills my air heavy with forever
And lost sounds of yesterday
I still hear your whispering
It’s been ever-haunting,
My blood is not wine, but tears.
So here’s to sleepless nights, and dreams of insecurity
But I’ve laid like this before, in a bed of silence
Counting down to the sound of a heart breaking
Think back on every night, I swore you were the one
But as we laid there were tornados coming on
I’m left here sorry cause the timing was all wrong
Seems mine is not a life meant for love songs
Deep within the drawer I used to hide it from myself
Resides the suicide pact I signed by giving my heart to someone else
When we seared our names into history, burning like a star
The words that spilled from my lips unto your ears were good as gold
As we became the miracle that fairytales have told
And didn’t I hold you like you wanted?
Didn’t I love you like you wanted me to?
Wasn’t I everything you needed me to be?
Time ran us both into the ground
I guess you never needed me. |
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| Strangers, First & Foremost |
[Feb. 23rd, 2006|08:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Silverchiar - All These Years | ] |
And this one goes out to my perfect stranger,
Whom I know better than I've ever known myself
And whom I love even better still...
This one's for you
I see you
Eyes blazing
Glowing like blue flames immersed in white and caged in by pale-skinned lids
That's just what your gaze is
A fire searing brands into my sub and conscious minds
Leaving these scars that say your name
Priceless.
Painless?
Not even in the least
Your eyes alone have blown a hole inside of me.
Who are you waking up to now dear stranger?
Those perfect eyes of yours, what has been the first thing they take in
Soon as they start to arise with you and the sun?
How far along into the day must you get before the first thought of me blows through you?
I've never spent a night dreaming without you
Just to turn to shattered glass when I awake and you're not there.
And yet I stand clock-still and keep on waiting
If something were supposed to be different here, it would be.
Cant you see that, Baby?
If I should be over you,
Then I could let go of you
And you wouldn't really break into my head without a warning
Sometimes I wish these memories of you would lose their way
Forget how to find the forefront of my mind
Negate to follow the yellow brick road
Pray that swift winds devour their breadcrumb path home
Cause you seem fine with staying away for awhile
Do you remember your words?
Cause I do
Do you remember all the promises?
Cause I do
Do you remember all the miracles?
Cause I do
Do you remember we were magical?
Cause I do
Do you remember all the vows you made?
I do
You gave me hope and kisses
I siphoned my hope right through them
And when your unflawed pillow lips press firmly onto mine
I reach out my fingertips to catch the happiness as it's carried down to me on silver clouds
But clocks don't tick forever
And mine is soon bound to force itself out of time
With you ever-glowing in the back of my mind
Because it seems you never noticed I've been waiting
And what you said to me yesterday
Took all the history we had away
Throwing both it and me down to the dogs.
Cause what have I been waiting for
If you dont see me anymore ?!
And where/what now is my point of being
When you have ceased to grant me meaning?
And everything that ever truly meant a thing to me has faded grey
I would go if I knew where to find "away"
I cannot escape you
Though I serve as your escape route
And fuck it, I'm stuck
I've no choice but to stick it out and wait.
And re-convince myself that you'll remember me someday
Cause you knew me once
Better than anyone
And you'll have more of me than any stranger will again
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| Say it again......... |
[Dec. 16th, 2005|09:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lauryn Hill - I Used To Love Him | ] |
You say his kisses taste like wine now, cause Im in agony.
Strange how they taste like sugar each night you go home to sleep
When you lay there alone back in your parents home, do you dream he's here with me?
Well if you do, its a dream come true, he's my candy-coated treat
Ya know, youre right; his lips change flavors as to match his mood
Must be why theyre sugary sweet with me and a bitter wine with you.
Push me one more time little girl and I'll tell you the whole truth...
I cant help but laugh as you sit there and say you rejoice in my demise
When your beloved sprints off to love me soon as you have closed your eyes
I'd want to see the look on your face right now, but I doubt you look too suprised
And so,
So much for you and the taste of wine toasting my agony
For that taste is far from wine my dear, it's called adultery.
And please know when he leaves here, he wears a note to you from me
Cause those marks on his neck are my way of saying "Fuck you Natalie" |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2005|04:55 am] |
"Live in my house, I'll be your shelter
I dont have much baggage to lay at your feet
But sweet kisses I've got to spare
I'll be there, and I'll cover you.
Open your door, I'll be your tenant
Just pay me back with 1000 kisses
Baby be my lover,
And I'll cover you.
Just slip me on, I'll be your blanket
Wherever whenever, I'll be your coat
You'll be my King and I'll be your castle
I'll be your Queen, let love be our moat.
I think they meant it when they said you cant buy love,
Now I know you cant rent it,
A new lease: You are my love for life
All my life I've longed to discover something as true as this is
So with a thousand sweet kisses
I will cover you.
When you're cold and youre lonely,
When you've got one nickle only,
I'll cover you.
When you're worn out and tired,
When your heart has expired,
Oh Lover, I'll cover you." |
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| Quite the resurgence.... |
[Jun. 1st, 2005|12:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
Funny, I was speaking your praise no more than an hour ago.
Funny, I was telling the story of how I hate myself for that decision I made without thinking so many months ago.
Strange, I even spoke of how you held your head high and walked away, no retaliation, not so much as a word.
I respected you then.
Things change...
I wonder why you assume that I havent?
And why you think you know so much about me now?
You throw out words that discredit
And easy-label yourself the hypocrite.
Keep talking about the things you dont know about
Makes you seem brilliant.
I wonder how easy the words will spill from you and your empty shell if god forbid you ever have to fight the things that I do.
Real meaning wont ever be seen by those who havent the capacity to understand.
I dont read the reviews, I am not singing for you. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 30th, 2005|04:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Window Pain | ] |
I still love you
Why?
I still need you
How?
I still see you
Where?
I still want you
Now. |
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| You mean everything & nothing to me @ the same time |
[May. 27th, 2005|03:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Areosmith - crazy | ] |
Guess Im yelling and screaming cause... well, baby, you're driving me crazy. If I could spare more remorse from my emptied out heart I would.....maybe. It's just so hard to think when you're this hard to find. The chaos is building and looks like it'll last.
Its funny because I'm the one who said they had to let go, and here I am the only one who cant.
Its funny because the only way I saw to make it better, made it much worse than its ever been before.
Its funny because you finally speak to me and its all bad things... but you spoke.... that gives me hope.
Today officially marks 12 days since the breakup. You spoke to me yesterday for the first time since it happened. Your words were unkind, angry, and hurtful.... but then the very last sentence....... "And I do love you, at least I love the girl I thought you were." That should be in no way encouraging! But it was. You said something, ANYTHING, and that was really something. Gave me hope. Hope that maybe I CAN fix this thing again. Hope that this is not the end, not for good, not this time. We made it over a year, I cant let distance be a factor and I will not let my stupid decision, my rash impulsive words, I will not let them break us forever. Especially not without one word from you. Not your text messages..... I need your voice. If Im really gonna have to walk away I want you to look me in the eye and tell me to go. If thats what I really need to do, then let me see if I can do it. And if thats what you really want, to just give up, just cause I said so when I made a rash and bad judgement call acting on a whim.... if thats what you want then let us see if you can say it. Look into these eyes you've told you loved a million times and for the first time order them to turn away. I dont think you can say it, I dont think I can go, and I dont think that we are ever really gonna know unless I come back. So suprise baby, I'm coming back home! A 5 day trip in just 3 weeks. This will be the deciding factor. Let go or hold on blindly? I'm making th first move, its your call next, get ready.
But for now, heartache subsides for the time-being because my darling Johnny Lashes has come to visit me!!!!! He's getting here sometime this evening with Sean and Sloane and I'm sooooooooo excited!!!! Im getting a new tattoo that I just finished designing and Im real excited about it, I just dont know about the placement quite yet so we'll see what Johnny thinks. I'm so happy he's here, things will be so much easier if only for a little while, and Im soooooo excited to see Sloane! I adore that girl and I havent seen her in like 6 months or so. Yeay! Alrighty, time to clean the apartment for the grand arrival.
EMILY GARTON!!!!! CALL YOUR BEST FRIEND!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 20th, 2005|07:53 am] |
Theres a letter on my desktop that I dug out of the drawer
The first truce we ever came to in our adolescent war
And I believe I feel your fever in the warm air through the screen
You come regular as seasons, shadowing my dreams
Now this hole that overthrows me just gets deeper every day
There's no hope of climbing out now that I'm so far down
And I guess thats how you started, like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown
Now there's not enough room in this world for my pain
When signals cross and love gets lost, the time pass makes it plain
But of all my demon spirits I need you the most
Im in love with your ghost
Dark and dangerous like a secret that gets whispered in a hush
When I wake, the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush
When you kiss me like a lover, then you sting me like a viper
I just follow to the river and play your memory like a piper
And I feel it like a sickness, how this love is killing me
But I'd walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
I dance the edge of sanity and I've never been this close
In love with a ghost...
Now I see your face before me and I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island as the sand beneath me slips
I still burn up in your presence, and I know now how it feels
To be weakened like Achilles with you always at my heels
And my bitter pill to swallow is the silence that I keep
It poisons me, I get swim free, your river is too deep
Though I'm baptized by your touch, I am no worse than most
I'm just in love with your ghost
All I have left is your ghost
You'll be shadowing my dreams, I know
I'm in love with your ghost.......... |
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| Behold The World's Worst Accident... |
[May. 20th, 2005|06:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Onierion - Shadow Change | ] |
How could I be so self depricating?
Only you could ever make me fall like this
Find myself a different faction from all of this
Would that my eyes were razors
I stare loathesome at my wrists
Knowing only you could antidote my sickness
I threw myself away when I left you
Now my life is a sad song for me to regret to
I turned from the only thing that I had
The only one to ever love me back
And I walked away
Cause I was afraid
I've no reason to speak of, there's nothing to say
No justification could ever be made
I have no excuse for the card that I played
You asked me "How could you?"
I simply dont know
Something internal said I had to go
But never said where I was going
Never warned me of being this lonely
Never told me that I had no chance to pull through
Now I'd sacrifice
My whole life
To crawl back to you
But you refuse to say a thing
Your silence drives my suffering
And I dont care that I can barely breathe
Since I snuffed out the greatest part of me
This neither changed
Nor stayed the same
It's only worse because you'll never let me fix it
And now it hurts because I know you'll never risk it
I ruined everything, and I dont know why I did it
You are my only thought
My every waking moment
Practically kill myself
But I deserve the torment
I am sorry, I regret it
I will never know why I said it
I didn't mean it
I didn't believe it
Didn't realize I was really letting you go
Reality more excruciating than you could ever know
And I would give my life to see your light, to touch your skin
I'd give up every dream I had if just to lay with you again
I will love you until there is nothing else left in this world........ |
|
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| You Had So Much of My Heart...... |
[May. 14th, 2005|08:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Saosin - Seven Years | ] |
Taking in your every predication
Almost leading me into mutilation
And your every vow
That I wrap in doubt
Lingers softly still in the back of my mind
And I'll most likely hear your voice forever
And these ties that bind will never fully sever
And I know I'll never walk away too far
Parts of this heart will always shadow where you are
I have been tainted for the first time in a lifetime
You took away the way I'd pride myself in my mind
When this ground so solid shape-shifts to the thinnest kind of ice
You'll use your glittering words to cradle me in brilliant, gleaming, lies
And though I've never once believed you, I still take each word to heart
Though we both know I'll never leave you, I'll do my best to pull apart
You take sanity from saints
You are the venom touch that taints
You are that darkness so depraved
That there leaves no hope to be saved
And you will kill me if I let you
You're not some phase that I can "get through"
There's not a prayer that I'll forget you
But I will rue the day I met you
If I dont run as far as legs can carry now
If I dont push far as heartbreak will allow
If I dont pull the curtain, take the final bow
I know you'll stifle all thats good in me somehow
I'll always revel at the memory of your hand
Your kiss will always leave me far too weak to stand
I will remember every breath
I'll love you desperately til death
And always wonder what might've come of all we planned
And yet it seems I finally know
The only choice is to let go
And hope that someday Baby, you will understand...
I love you more than anyone ever will again. |
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| Situations Like These....... |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|04:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Depeche Mode - Shake The Disease | ] |
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand
And chaining a soul.
You learn that love doesn't mean living,
That company doesn't mean security.
After awhile you learn that kisses aren't contracts,
Presents are not promises.
You learn to accept your defeats with your head up and eyes open,
With graceful responsibility, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads on today
Tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And future's seem to find a way
To fall down in mid-flight
After awhile you learn
That even the sunshine can burn
So you thrive your own soul and plant your own garden
And you dont wait for someone else to bring you flowers
You learn that you really can endure,
That you really do have worth,
You learn and you learn.....
With every goodbye, you learn. |
|
|
| Silent Night........... |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|01:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | pensive | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Death Comesto Matteson - Regret | ] |
Eyes squinting
Muscles twitching
Im speeding through the rain
I cannot see which way I'm going
So let's just pray we see the morning
As I swerve around the corners in the dark
There's this distinctive cramping inside my tension-heavy head
As my passenger explains, "You hydroplane and we're both dead."
I know.
I hear my wheels skid round the curves
I feel the testing of my nerves
Split second spin out
Adrenaline rush
I am untouched
We're prob'ly wracked
We're prob'ly wrecked
And this is what we'd both expect
Both of us clenched
Both of us tensed
Both of us sweating til we're drenched
We are the downpour
We're miles per hour
Rip through this storm, both sick with power
Look me in the face, you'll know
Nothing could frighten me now.
I can feel my eyes grow wide
Everything tightens up inside
My heartbeat rages to make sure I stay alive
Making sure that I stay perfectly in time
Light headed spinning and I cannot clear my mind
Incomplete inner-monologue
My every thought is broken
Never finished
They just branch off to something new
I dont know when I stopped driving
Parked so well hidden with all the lights off and the radio turned down
We set both of our phones on silent
No room for fuck ups or for sound
Give it to me, lets fill it again
Heat it up, I'll tell you when
Wait for the billows then breathe it in
Don't worry, I'll keep watch til then
My passenger, my confidant,
We both share this lack of contrition
Swirling and spilling from both our lips
We both share this silent addiction
We're sharing secrets with no words
This trust we form need not be heard
Cause what's made audible,
Gets cheapened by it's tone
It's in the silent dark we come into our own
We share the silence... we can never be alone |
|
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| The Songs That Bring It Back.... |
[Feb. 13th, 2005|04:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Further Seems Forever - New Years | ] |
It's the feeling I get during songs like these
That makes me wonder how long a heart can hold on...
Over the course of time I figure I'll forget how much I loved you
As time goes by, the thought of you slips further in my mind
But its there in the back
And its never gone
And it never stays away for long
Unlike you....
Why cant you be more like the memory?
Rush back to me on the notes of a song
Never leave me, even when you're gone
I think the sad part of loving... has got to be its enequalities
Cause I know I love you more than you could ever think of loving me |
|
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| My Lungs, Your Name........ |
[Feb. 3rd, 2005|02:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bright Eyes - Arc of Time | ] |
Tell me, who's so picture perfect as to ask for me to change?
You know, there are some other ways that you could make me speak your name.
Listless, restless
Have you heard this:
"She's certifiably insane"?
In this days youth
We know no truth
We just know how to play the game
So play along
It makes you strong
Liberated by the pain
Solace in glass
Calm in the fast
It's something words cant yet explain
She is reveared
Though the heart's been speared
Over and over again
And what goes around
Comes back around
Where it initially had been
Could I make you fall
Could I take it all
Call it my own
And wear it proud?
I could scream your name
And some things would change
I would stand out
Against the crowd........... |
|
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| Hoo Ha! |
[Jan. 31st, 2005|02:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | guilty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kelly Clarkson - Since Youve Been Gone | ] |
My my my
Aren't you lovely?
And mine mine mine
For the night
It's wrong... I know... oh well.... here we go
Emily? Back me up here? Prettiest face youve ever seen?
I couldn't say no
I thought I learned to say no
8 months just taught me nothing it seems
Oh well....
I'm sorry Mikey..... I'm sorry....Im sorry.........I promise..... |
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non_reality's journal
